I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
hackers play passwordle
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Me too 😆
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I can fix him.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
do horses think humans are hats
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Kermit goes Blue.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.