[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
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My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”