me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?