deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
no their not
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him