Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
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Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
eggs benadryl
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.