1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
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Morningbreath
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Current mood: Potato
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter