me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not