In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Rambo Rambow
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.