Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
You got this…
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser