Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
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*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
This is amazing.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business