I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.