If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
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Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
How actors in movies eat their food
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July