Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of