All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
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honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
For the baby who has everything
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Brb my Sims are getting married
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”