**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.