If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I found your tweet-up…
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half