He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Lmao
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.