Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
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Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My sex drive has a dui
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…