put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
It’s an epidemic…
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.