i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
When someone says you are so lazy
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day