the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.