“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Heroic Misunderstanding
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.