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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
That’s easy for you to say
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours