Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
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Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!