“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”