It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
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My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Baller is short for ballerina
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Don’t talk down to me
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection