[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
You Might Also Like
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe