I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.