Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?