My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.