Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
You Might Also Like
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp