Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
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[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
War & Peace
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.