best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert