Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.