When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
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me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings