Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
You Might Also Like
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.