Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.