*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Natty or not?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week