The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!