Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
This is I, Robot all over again
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
our love story in four pictures
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
step 6: release the wall snake
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire