My time has come.
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Sorry. Not sorry
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.