Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
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WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!