[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.