Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff