Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
blocked.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
stand with me against insufficient seating
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver