If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
crazy
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high