Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
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Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
water it, i dare you
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats