i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
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DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Spotted in New Orleans.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.