me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.