Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.